130+ rpm

SD vs. the 53/39 crank

2009-01-25T14:24:00.004-05:00

The elevation sign below will be one of many settings for an epic week long battle of the compact crank (ridden by SD#2) and the 53/39 crew; all non stealth dorks, unless some have gone to the dark side in the off season.

I found out that SD#2 will be attending our clubs cycling camp in South Carolina the last week of March. I'm excited about this. Going head-to-head against the menacing, mesmerizing master(s) of cadence (damn all you stealth dorks!) will be as informative as training with a power meter. If I can beat this newly stealthy (see previous post) Stealth Dork up this 3124 ft climb without the benefit of a silly compact crank putting out 130+RPM, my training will be a success.

If I fail, I'm skipping town (again). I hear there are no penguins in the Canadian arctic.

Foiled by Stealth Dorks?

2009-01-20T19:15:00.006-05:00

So, as mentioned in my previous post last week, I'm back.

I'm back and ready take on SD#1 and SD#2, and any other SD I encounter on the road.

Am I ready for such an epic spin battle? I will be.

How am I preparing for this clash of the cranks? I've enrolled in a spin class bootcamp.

This is week 3. Something funny (not hilarious funny, instead the peculiar kind of funny) happened today though - both instructors (not Dorks of the Stealth kind) called in sick. Both instructors are sick - hmm, coincidence? I think not. I have a theory. It's bold and a bit unfathomable.

I suspect they've been poisoned by one of the SDs. I can't confirm this, but I am 50% sure that SD#2 is in the same bootcamp. The other 50% of certainty is clouded in doubt that the svelte figure that I suspect is SD#2 couldn't have possibly become that, ummmm, svelte in 9 months. That and the absence of a proper road bike with the offending crank in class or chained to the bike lock on the street.

So, until winter gives way to spring, I won't know for sure if:

i) I've enrolled in a spin class with a SD that ran me out of town
ii) said SD poisoned the spin instructors thereby canceling class; preventing me from working on improving my cadence threshold
iii) said SD ain't a fatty no more.

This theory will remain unproven for 2 months. I'll update you on this on March 21st, the first day of spring.

-Non-Believer

I'm back and, sadly, the stealth dorks still live amongst us.

2009-01-16T00:20:00.006-05:00

It's been a while. I skipped town 9 months ago. I wasn't running from random drug tests - instead I was running from stealth dorks. I got too dizzy riding behind this multiplying bred of cycledork, watching their legs and feet spin at 130+ rpm. As hard as I tried to get in front of them to keep from being hypnotized, I just couldn't ramp up the cadence to out spin them; so I sought asylum in Antarctica. It's quiet there, except for the squawking pengiuns in mating season. In hindsight, that in-flight movie about penguins was a warning. I should have paid $3 for the headphones to listen to that film. But I digress...

So, here I am, back in SD land, surrounded by these dorks. Am I okay with this? I don't know yet. I'll keep you posted.

SD Double Flats

2008-04-27T23:07:00.006-04:00

SD made an appearance at the club ride today, but his stealth dork equipped bike wasn't underneath him. Instead, he chose to sandbag the leisure ride on his retro wheels - a sweet 1994 Peugeot Success road bike. Unfortunately, he suffered two flats and had to bail early. It was a pity, as I enjoy riding with SD when he has a 53 tooth big ring - and just eight cogs to choose from in the back. He was like a fish out of water; no spin in his SD legs to drop me. Damn double flat!

In other news, SD #2 made it out to the ride as well, and, true to stealth dork form, was spinning up a storm at the front of the group. What a stealth antagonist. Why couldn't he have fallen victim to a double flat? Injustice!

SD Killer

2008-04-22T02:27:00.003-04:00

These legs demolished SD tonight in a sprint. I was there. I was also demolished, and saved, by these legs (and accompanying upper torso) tonight. Thanks for cushioning my fall Buddy! I owe you a few twizzlers (just a few though - don't want you to get fat while you recover over the next two weeks!)

a greeting card from SD - i'm conflicted

2008-04-11T01:14:00.009-04:00

Received this card in the mail from SD today:

Is he mocking me?

SD # 1 SIGHTING (UNCONFIRMED EMAIL REPORT)

2008-04-11T00:08:00.000-04:00

Just got an email from an informant who claims to have spotted SD #1 riding a modified version of one of our routes. (It has been a week since we last saw SD - frenching the Cervelo dog - so, out of concern, we put an APB out to the local clubs in hope of locating this elusive dorkwad.) This is an unconfirmed sighting, but the informant managed to pick up a piece of evidence that suggests it was indeed SD. Here is the email and evidence:

From: fellow non-believer
Date: April 10, 2008 9:05:54 PM GMT-04:00
To: SD_sightings at stealthdork.com
Subject: SAW SD DOING A *MODIFIED* STREETSVILLE LOOP

Non-Believer,

i am sure i saw SD late this afternoon riding the Streetsville loop... i was powering through sprint zone #2 and marked a rabbit further up the road. i thought i was closing the gap but just couldn't bridge the guy. before the right hand turn heading south back into T.O. i came within 300m and noted what appeared to be a cadence of 130+ rpm... this high cadence reminded be of the description you provided in the APB so I got out of the saddle and gave chase... we were heading south towards the city when i got within 100m of him so i shouted "hey, stealth dork, hold up!" he looked back and saw me coming at him him in an all out sprint so he makes a sudden left hand turn up a hill and starts dancing up the hill just like your APB described. this convinced me it was SD so I gave chase up the hill but the gap started to grow... as i crested the hill i found a crude looking map sketched on a yellow sticky note (attached to this email) but no sight of SD. he dropped me in the hills! as i studied the map it became clear that this hill detour wasn't unplanned... SD rigged the Streetsville Loop to favour his compact crank. it WAS him. sorry i couldn't catch him.

sincerely,

fellow non-believer

Here is the map fellow non-believer picked up off the ground:

Yup, that the Streetsville Loop, except for the "Stealth Dork Sprint" up the hill. What is he up to with this solo training program? Clearly he's up to no good.

SD, if you're reading this, come back. We're sorry. We won't call you a Stealth Dork... on Wednesdays. Every other day, well, like the wristbands that O'Grady had made for his CSC teammates in the '07 TdF says: "Harden The Fuck Up."

Happy Belated "Give A Dorkwad Some Love Day" and emergency dental surgery

2008-04-10T15:13:00.006-04:00

Okay, so I missed "Give SD Some Love Day" yesterday, but I have a valid reason, really I do. This is what happened.

I had a restless sleep Monday night. My longest stretch of sleep was - at a maximum - 50 minutes long, but was often waking up with just 34 minutes of shut eye. (Haunting numbers.) What was keeping me awake? I was gritting my teeth. Yup, my subconscious was, ironically, spinning and spinning and spinning like a stealth dork proudly turning over the arms of his compact crank. Oh no! I've stressed myself out about "Give SD Some Love Day." My brain was pulling a Tyler Hamilton to take my mind off the pain. Ah-ha.

So I continued to grit my teeth for the next 34 (there's that number again!) hours without caution. In the 50th minute of the 34th hour (coincidence? I think not) of compulsive gritting I began to fray. (By this time, it is Wednesday morning; the early hours of the first "Give SD Some Love Day.") I was in excruciating pain -- my high cadence gritting filed down my back molars exposing the nerves. OUCH! At first I panicked, but then it struck me:

if I go in for emergency dental surgery this afternoon, I can avoid posting something nice about stealth dorks until next Wednesday. Hmmm.

So, guess what I was doing Wednesday afternoon. My dentist was in shock when I hopped into the chair and jovially submitted myself to a root canal. If only he knew what he was helping me get out of doing.

That said, Happy Belated Dorkwad Day, Dorkwads!

Ow!

2008-04-10T13:25:00.001-04:00

Need more novocaine. Can't think clearly. Will post when I'm not in so much pain.

--readership up, subscription still free (GST not included)--

2008-04-07T21:38:00.010-04:00

Wow! 10 people (so say the number of votes registered on the stealth dork polls on the right side of this screen at this date and time) have read my homage to Stealth Dork, and by accidental discovery, Stealth Dork #2. We're not even one week into this and we're already 10 readers ahead of projections. A big thank you to you, the readers (non stealth dork GF, Mom, Dad, my brother and my six other non stealth dork relatives) for stopping by.

To celebrate this, I pledge to you that I will make every Wednesday "Give SD(s) Some Love" day. Yup, every Wednesday I will grit my teeth and (try to) post something positive and supportive (ohhh that hurt just typing that) of the compact crank revolution. Stay tuned for the first "Give a Dorkwad Some Love" day -- its not Wednesday yet, so I can be mean!

Oh, almost forgot the SD #1 and #2 update: Went for an easy spin tonight with the crew (a stealth dork might be inclined to call it a "taking it ease" kinda spin) sans #1 and #2. Maybe they get together on Monday night and ride their stealth dork equipped tandem?

Not a Stealth Dork; not even stealth!

2008-04-06T16:17:00.021-04:00

I'm still a bit traumatized after discovering another Stealth Dork (now affectionately known as SD #2) in our club yesterday, so on today's ride I spent a lot of time looking at rider's cranks and counting the teeth.

1, 2, 3...53 - phew; 1, 2, 3...53 - phew, 1, 2, 3...53 - phew, 1, 2, 3...5o! I look up at the rider; oh, just SD #2. We chatted briefly:

Non-Believer (me): Hi SD #2. Great cadence you got there. It's a shame you can't harness the watts your generating to power a centrifuge or something.

SD # 2: Bite me! (as he gears into a 50/11 and spins off into the horizon. It is truly a shame we can't harness the watts these stealth dork types generate to feed the grid. Rather selfish, don't you think?)

Well, end of that conversation. Back to counting teeth. As I worked my way up to the next rider in the echelon, I discovered these:

(click on picture)

Oh my god! Freak of nature. To help you visualize this, think of Popeye's forearms, but as calf muscles. I spent the rest of the ride on this non stealth dork's wheel observing these non stealth calves while singing the Popeye theme song. Don't remember the lyrics? Let me refresh your memory (and share my pain):

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm strong to the finich.
Cause I eats me spinach.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

Yup, I sang that tune for two hours; kept me from counting teeth on the big rings of other riders in the peloton this time. To those in the peloton who have a stealth dork crank, I have three words for you:

I'll find you. And when I do, I'll out you on this blog. (Okay, so that was thirteen words.)

For the record, non stealth calf muscles does not ride a stealth dork crank.

Stealth Dork # 1 update: missing from the peloton again today. The dog at Cervelo couldn't have been that good of a kisser!?!

Oh no, they're multiplying

2008-04-05T13:10:00.007-04:00

This is a dark day in cycling history. Met up with the club for our first group ride this morning (Stealth Dork was conspicuously absent - maybe he was out late last night romancing that dog he was french kissing at Cervelo the other day) and discovered this on a friends new ride (sweet ride his Time VXRS is - less the stealth dork crank, of course). Let's count the teeth on that big ring:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 50!

Oh no, ANOTHER STEALTH DORK is amongst us! Aghhhhh!

(click on the picture)

Nothing to do with Stealth Dork

2008-04-04T23:38:00.010-04:00

but I bet Stealth Dork would try and convince us that the guy in the middle rides a compact crank. If he did, I wouldn't call him a dork.

The guy in middle is Chris Hoy, 2008 UCI Track World Champion.

Cervelo visit and an awkward moment - part II

2008-04-04T01:30:00.010-04:00

Back to the awkward moment at Cervelo earlier in the day...

As we toured the Cervelo office, SD was exhibiting a very short attention span - a typical behaviuoral trait amongst the compact crank crowd, so we dismissed it. In hindsight, it is clear that Stealth Dork had an ulterior motive. We should have known he was less interested in touring a successful, high-end, Canadian bicycle manufacturer, but instead, on a compact crank PR mission. So, how did it all go down? you ask. Well, this is the awkward part...

As ADHD SD fidgeted his way through the first five minutes of the tour (like an Italian Pro on cocaine), he dropped back to the Gruppetto (made up of himself) and started bellowing this at someone:

"are you the person around here in charge of sourcing cranks for these fancy bikes?"

We turn around to discover SD leaning over a cluster of desks, calf muscles and feet dancing in the air (like they do when he's schooling us up a hill at a cadence of 130+ in his 34/39), having what appeared to be a one-sided discussion. Two of us react immediately (in embarrassment) and rush towards what might become a confrontation, only to discover that the "person" SD is badgering is the company dog, and the dog is licking the leftover chicken wing sauce off of SD's face, hence his dancing legs. Ummm, awkward!

Update: Just received an email from the veterinarian and, thankfully, the dog is current with his vaccinations, so he'll be fine. Sadly, SD will have to be put down for aggressive behaviour.

Quotable Quotes by Stealth Dork

2008-04-04T00:58:00.002-04:00

"I'm not here to work hard, I'm here to spin"

- Stealth Dork, Ellis Park Rd., April 3rd at 7:25pm

Cervelo visit and an awkward moment

2008-04-03T16:53:00.001-04:00

The team visited Cervelo today. Stealth Dork came along too. I think he was under the impression that we were visiting the Upper Canada Brewing Company - a brewery that left the neighbourhood many years ago. SD was looking rough after last night. He still had hot sauce stains on his chin and lips and he stunk of beer.

As our host guided us through the hallowed halls of Cervelo, SD kept scanning the office, looking for someone to lock eyes with him. Pay attention SD and keep up with the group! (Sorta hard for a compact dork to keep up on the flats!) A few minutes later, we hear him badgering someone with this:

"are you the person around here in charge of sourcing cranks for these fancy bikes?"

We tried to muzzle SD, but it was too late... more on this later - gotta run along to the SD sponsored hammerfest, where he's gonna school us on the 14.3 meter hill.

-outing a sandbagger-

2008-04-03T10:50:00.000-04:00

Dammit! Stealth Dork tricked us into riding a flat route tonight. The longest hill is 14.3 meters (47 ft.) at best. The SD is gonna crush us on the only "hill" when he pops his chain into the 34 (small ring) / 39 (rapid acceleration, special order Taiwanese cog). Duped by a stealth dork, again.

UPDATE: We thought we out duped the duper Dork when we (non stealth dorks) decided to change the route and do hills in High Park, but it didn't take long for SD to go all stealth on us and drop into his 34/39 and spin up Ellis Park Rd. Grrrrr!

hairy legs, not in stealth mode

2008-04-03T02:56:00.000-04:00

(click on the picture)

Ran into Stealth Dork at a roadie gathering tonight. SD ordered chicken wings and nachos for dinner and washed it down with an endless parade of beers. But it wasn't just his 'race diet' that lacked discipline tonight; that's right, SD was sporting HAIRY LEGS.

Oh, and he announced that he sourced a new cassette from Taiwan. He'll be spinning up the hills tomorrow on a 39 tooth cog. WTF?

Those legs be spinning and spinning and spinning...

2008-04-02T22:41:00.000-04:00

...and spinning and spinning and spinning

2008-04-02T21:00:00.001-04:00

(click on the picture)

50/34 on the front, 13-35 in the rear!